here and future

I was able to wrestle myself free of the view that right was whatever would benefit me in the future--with an idea that it was always doing, meditating, exercising, reading, etc. The realization that the best requires a Nowness... With this, however, I started with an exclusive now which pushed out future planning. Now that I have a Now which is inclusive, yet still somewhat centered in feeling, I must re-integrate future, planning, etc. Initial problem: I had the old uncompromising super super crazy hard expectations of perfection, planning 3 hour spans with 30 minute breaks leads one to simply feel bad about failure--or push beyond limits of friendliness to self.

So, now I may muscle test or simple listen to myself when I may be asking too much. I can ask myself simply if this feels right, if I'm having jarring emotions, dropping things, ask myself, "did I forget something?--how may I be resisting my true purpose--which includes playful passing nows and preparations for healthy happy futures.

note to self

I am uncertain about my use of time still--gaming and FB time vs school work, reading my own books, learning other things. the whole thing about going with my flow v.s. trying to force a schedule--I feel there is something wrong and something right simultaneously--or is it just a tightrope walk

with less work to do and more books to listen to gaming is cool but more work = do more work and less books= find more books or meditate or something

yeah and where is my time for meditation? Eh, I like the chillness but I'm uncertain about my entire desire/doing stuff setup

becoming an asshole

I just realized that my Buddhisty training involves not getting into intellectual squabbles and I think this is an important thing to go through, because now I'm capable of not getting into an intellectual squabble and more or less not giving a damn. However, with my increasingly integral sort of view, I'm bringing back in shadow shit and possibly upgrading (or maybe making a big mess of) my Dharma--which I'm willing to do either of. I'm a little underpracticed due to the lack of participation--and the lack of a mind which thinks about winning social interactions constantly. But I'm a smart dude and I think both my gaming mental speed, my knowledge, and my spiritual work too, will give me an edge on learning. I'm in fact making a point to reduce the amount of times which I back down from an intellectual struggle, look under it for mutual understanding, sure, have compassion for them, of course, point things out as ideas separate from them that are wrong, point out how we agree and distancing them from the view which they presented as 'better than my view'--yes. However, the big stick aspect is zen, the masculine compassion which carries a sword, an accupuncture needle of you like--is coming to life--and the power is consuming, I'm glad I've worked hard in spiritual practice. I have to be very careful with this. It is important to realize I will make mistakes. For example, I take my desire and use it to my advantage but sometimes it gets out of hand, however the positive from bringing them together is better than trying to suppress desire, similarly I believe that the agression might be misfired, or seemingly misfired at times--maybe the desire isn't actually misfired when I stay up to late doing random shit, that's a difficult sell--anyway, I think that often being able to inflict pain will serve me, I can't wait for my thinking mind, I have to strike with the "hate", the "aggression" because what we learn about shadow work is that there is nothing wrong with aggression itself, or even some reactions, but at some point there can be a mistuned energy of relation to those energies which must be retuned by practice of some sort. I think I'm getting there, the there of being able to wield my aggression in service of individual and greater good. Just like the desire, I'll have self criticism to deal with afterward--not seeing myself as a self-indulgent jerk based solely on possible outer appearances, even the interpretation of energies inside--the view that acting on the enjoyment of aggression being wrong--I wish to embrace that aggression and also learn to embrace the self-criticism as a well-meaning friend--a reminder to be careful. I realize in my writing to respond, my first reaction is--am I getting my ego into this, but again it's "I"-ness not big headed-ness that we're against here--check yourself, but reck others as needed :). But really, this is a big thing, my stopping point is the idea that I'm above winning, and the thing is, if I've got a better--more truth, beauty, goodness--view that I'm proposing, then I need to get good at being an evangelist--who are notoriously pushy. Now, I have this pause to be sure I'm doing the right thing, or to try and figure out the best response--in some cases, someone is rude and there is seemingly no response, like today, I was not on a podium but I still had no idea after 20 mins of thinking how to best respond to the bitch in front. What would Miller do...also to help me out, it might be best at times to remember that I might be better off saying, let's discuss this later. It makes the game harder, I must at the same time, choose whether to engage or not, and if either, how--but this game, if harder, is infinitely more worthwhile than the easier game of serial reaction. Like in SC2, I can do cheese and win sometimes, but if I learn the game and play it well, I might have trouble starting off, but do much better in the long run, and while I may not play SC2 long enough to take that route, I can be sure I'll be dealing with people for long enough to make it worth my while to go ahead and fail a bunch, consider whether to allow simple meanness, or be silent, ask to talk later, leave, say that is mistreatment, disrespectful, reply with useful bigger man responses or directly cut them down as they have me--in a well orchestrated slice.

I'm afraid and that's a good thing--it'll make me cautious--some fear is good, and not all love is...however, this seems to be the way, to accept others hurting for their greater good, like children needing to take medicine. It sounds somewhat big headed, but I've learned to have the pride to be truthful. When so many leave their evolution out of their own hands it is a worthwhile thing to do to be truthful about my advances and their shortcomings--along with the more acceptable visa versa.

One final useful point of view that I mentioned but need to elaborate upon is to in the moment consider that they have a view that is pointing out another aspect of the reality which isn't directly in opposition to your view even if they think it is. Thus you can avoid the whole conflict and help them feel smart by saying, yes, that's true... AND so is this, look how they fit together, they're converted to your view which includes their important piece in your larger puzzle--that's a great way to deal with worthwhile confrontation.