baby

I do want, more often, for scientific rigor, testing, and skepticism to have babies with open-minded, warm, spiritual, creativeness. I want that child which is rigorous in testing, deeply convincing, difficult to refute, and indicative of deeper/higher levels of cognition. The uteri are gravid. Truth is coming.

Learn from J

The stroke of insight to go along with the ups and downs was simply that spirituality isn't necessarily making things personal rather than broadening/expanding/nonpersonalising. How do I know? Well, whenever you're on one side saying the other is bad you're caught in a good/bad dichotomy, a duality, which is categorically incorrect. Obviously we have to go on to point out a non-duality in duality vs non-duality, sort of break down the form/emptiness of that as well, but still, a worthwhile aspect of living healthfully and happily is not running from but also not running towards pain. I believe I find myself doing the latter, always personalizing and maybe over-indulging in the pain, the hurt, this is not quite acceptance, it is a form of attachment...And so I choose to relate to life more simply, to see hurt and happiness and see reactions, see running towards--embracing (and not letting go) of pain and running away as two sides of the same coin, you're still running. Maybe it's best to know the perfection of the moment, not attempting to overthrow or over-embrace. mmm lovely.

generation

mental-emotional: the breaking of a mental-emotional belief/form into a reality/emptiness--J and simply requiring that I recognize the probabilities and truths of the situation; shock of happiness, love in the highest--joy the man, Peter, who did me wrong but apologized kindly when confronted...the weight dropped through to the core and I am left with happiness, hugeness of freedom and fullness, he gives me what I need, what I desired for so long, freedom from my own projections, I saw him as a man out to destroy me for no good reason, I found he was actually a man that didn't think things through, stupid as I might be at some point in my life. Not perfect but also not evil. We all gained from the torment and lost--this strikes harder than J could, lovely as she is.

Physical: walking in cold, stress, lack of sleep, the bac/virus going around, the time of year the body decides to detox, rid itself of wastes, rest and rebuild+difficulty resting and rebuilding with the reuqirements on my time.

Long term mental emotional (not just last night): more friends/play time, love/mate time, up to an adequate non-excessive, but adequate level

long term physical: allergies, not enough time outside, yoga, nutrition--yet also the amounts of these things I have done allow me to mount this response and have as much defense as I have.

short term chemical: immunoplus and emergency, as well as liver and soup

girlfriend breakdown

epiphany:

_ = therapy no yoga

_ = yoga no therapy

extra points: _ = science, little yoga or therapy

Perfect Life-Mate: (with varying levels of importance given to different factors)

I'm looking for a sexual partner that will be both yoga and therapy--which is to say in layman's non-David Dieda terms, I'd like a woman that seems energetically powerful, that I am strongly, deeply in love with, that can fully embrace her sexuality/gender in a deep way (yoga) AND also have the ability to express her needs/desires both honestly and kindly without a huge amount of unexamined unbending scripts (therapy). I'd also like her to be smart and physically/sexually attractive/attracted to me. It would also be good for her to have a vocation of some sort--just as a normative societal helpfulness. While I like foreigners, I have no ethnic boundaries or strong preferences except those naturally occurring. I'd hope she'd have a good relationship with her family and have capabilities towards laughter. Not tending to control in general, but still possibly helping me change inertia from time to time. Also someone I might help, but still someone I could cry on...as well as ravage. I'd hope she could dance or at least have some body habitus and/or hobbies encouraging that. She'd also likely be similar to myself in jealousy--flirting and hugginess is encouraged, but a deep trust destroys the need to fear and be jealous, yet if jealousy does arise, it can be communicated honestly and calmly as soon as is convenient.--even with the trust, a minor fire is there, it activates lust, a shared, controlled, burning fire--we stoke it by going dancing together, seeing each other with someone else strikes a mild fire tempered greatly by trust in one another, knowing there is absolutely nothing to worry about--this is not an open relationship--but we will get to flirt/hug/dance with others, and burn a bit in those moments for our more primal tendencies. We will be fit and enjoy the outdoors when we can go, we know how to relax, take it slow, and make initiatives...we have kids at 33-37, two. She is capable of thinking things through, looking deeper, not taking the base answer, and helps me challenge my natural acceptance of things read/heard. Capable of being child-like and free as well as adult--thus leaving me no primary burden in our acquisition of stable happiness and enlightenment. It would be helpful/very nice if we shared similar spiritual beliefs--Ken Wilber lover?--oo baby!! Diet similarities would also be helpful. I do recognize that there is a strong similarity to myself in this--it is true, and false--surely I'd need my corresponding puzzle piece, yet with much of my ideas above, I mean to say, they must have these pieces--that is, this set of pieces, I don't want to have all of the sky pieces, we'd have to tape my pieces together and pretend that's a decent sky portion of our puzzle...nor do I want to have all of the pieces of the ground, again, ugly puzzle. I'd like her to have the pieces to the entire puzzle...I don't want her to have my pieces, nor do I want her to have missing pieces, she must have the reciprocal pieces.

Interesting possible question: what does it mean if she has pieces that I don't have? If minor, likely both of us at times will have to spread our pieces out and hope that the other can work on finding their versions of those pieces--or that that version is close enough to yield a high level of daily happiness. The other option is if I'm missing lots of the pieces important to her or have them but they don't correspond, then I guess she wouldn't be attracted to me...in this case I do think it is possible for her to fit mine but not visa versa--it's a reality puzzle and thus it must have paradoxes, so in the end, not only does my puzzle have to fit hers, but hers has to fit mine. Otherwise, I guess I might just keep dating for my life or decide whatever I've found makes me happy independent of how it might seem to rank on the above scale....I wish to note there is a fear of not finding "her", I'm sure there is great great joy and enlightenment expressible through a person whom I may never meet or meet but not attract. This is sad, it really sucks. This state of affairs, and many others (as well as the pain of actually finding her), require my equanimity, born of the love and identification of God. I am not just this Michael fellow, and this fact means there is a beautiful symphony occurring every moment that I am/not, all bad and good is now and thus ill reaction is a waste. A fool's love is the only answer.