disappointed

Overall I give myself kudos and love. But I want to honestly say that after reading Hemann Hessie's trees, I am embarrassed to give myself to distractions and crap, sloth and topur--whatever that word used to be. In the back of my mind, I agree and recognize some minor possibility of the need of sloth, and yet, I also disagree entirely, I wish to intentionally project and hide it from myself :)--I am disappointed that I haven't spent my time becoming simply and boringly powerful, journaling and being alone without this laptop, it is good at times, but I need a hike, the outdoors, I need sadness undefended against, depression unguarded, real cures for these rather than pain-killers.

i am not

the doer of my deeds

thinker of my thoughts

producer of my states or stages

but the mere witness of this and all else

"me"

I'm a student at the Natural College of Natural Medicine in Portland, Oregon. I'm interested in preventative medicine and thus I'm interested in nutrition. I made a book scanner that I use to convert books to audio and listen to them. My favorite author is Ken Wilber.

I enjoy DDR, contact improvisation, and contra dancing, weight lifting, video games, meditation, and breathing outside. I'm a huggy touchy person. I find radically rational, open-minded, intelligent commentary on most any subject to be a joy similar to breathing in deeply after holding one's breath for slightly too long. I have a special interest in the overlapping subjects of spirituality and psychology.

ESFP

plan

why/how/what

exercise, weights+intervals(running) 2-3x per week?

will I keep track?

special exercise thing once a month?

meditation 2-3 times per week

will i keep track?

what counts?

--is it worth keeping track?--cost-benefit

copy booksx1:trogyam trunpa--play with superior man and rules of game

-->what goals do I have--am I anti-goals? -- why?

-make money, build practice

-women?

-gaming?

-

what why, who? what part of me, do I believe this is good for me?

her

The missing still continues, I wish no end of it, a low level depression of my lost love, she isn't real and yet more than anything else she calls to me. It is a deep and powerful yearning which is unabated. I cry inside, subtle depression, memories of what she gave me.

I remember the trauma too for good measure, seeing those too as both bad and good, but the overall projection is great pain. She has broken in many ways, many many ways, ways which I am not at a place to mend. I am hurt by her deeply and repeatedly, I cannot trust her at all.

And yet, she is so beautiful and I am swept up by her presence, I love her. I still do. My dreams are interesting, we're having sex, but I still fear she's trying to get herself pregnant, just as she did when we were together--she denies it, but I know it's true. She almost got me. The IUD being out might save me from returning--the half-relationship was inherently painful.

I hate the pained and dilluded individual that would bring a child to life not to be left, and I can't trust the jumper, I change so speedy, I am femeninity, I will change to meet your wills, the 1 and 3 are both odd.. I wonder if there is a 4, an independence which is beyond higher dependence, I can't quite see why not.

She seems both to cling to man in the way of a lesser woman and also cling to the masculine silence, end, as she is the motion to my riverbank and yet, I made a choice towards sanity. These women, these friends, they do not touch her magnitude. It was a simple decision, she was lieing in a tier 1 way rather than a tier 3 way. And even if she didn't know she was lieing it still makes her untrustable... it was a growing experience, but she said it for me, I'm here to get a degree in medicine. I don't wish to carry her while studying.

I sure do fucking miss her, but it's helpful for this to remember the hell. It is actually an amazing testimate to the good that I could be missing her with all of the hell I went through.... she was sweet, she was bending to my eating, she bent for me then got upset about it... heh... fairly sexy :)

I mourn a lost love--I said

She asked, "what happened to her?"

Nothing, in fact she would might take me back with open arms this day if I willed it...She was damaging, emotionally damaging, draining...her lost sense of where is up, what is right or better than the other option, it had been destroyed by following the man...I fear I abandoned her, but also hope for her own growth, tore her from a previous cling then made her figure it out without someone else to tell her...it is a story not quite told in such few words but boy did I fall madly in love with that girl, deeply, despite what I call insanity--I am tired now-goodnight.

writing to myself

I have trouble with the notion of writing to myself only--most times. I've done it, sure. but I don't really go back and read it much, and there is just something much more worthwhile about having it such that someone could read it, there is some sort of communication, I used to send long emails to people I barely knew from AOL chatrooms about my life, getting everything off my chest, it seems now that I'm continually worried about overburdening people, when did that start?--it seems unhealthy, I know someone might be dying to hear my insides for no reason whatsoever

ANYWAY, good news is I can pretend this is going to someone directly, but on top of that I'd like to actually be talking to someone honestly about my problems..

*went to do that*

Hike intention notes

I am working out something that right now is this: The always already aspect of spirituality seems to be possibly its own thing, but also it seems to be a condition for the experience of being a conduit of spirit, and can be a hinderence of this in that it might keep you from motivation to put the life/body-mind into a place that more readily conducts spirit, that is, making opportunities for clear contact of the One. So, given those two, I set the background Ramana Maharshi Intention to know that all is right, there is no moving, all moving is God, all stillness is God. In this we have a dual-situation in which surrender to God's will as a servant also creates more freedom, more capaility to achieve happiness--so it seems to me. So, in my hike, I intend that beyond the all is fine no matter what view that I intentionally find God coursing through me experientially, so that I may be a better teacher, healer, and evangeslist, so that people shall see God through my actions and want in. This is my intention for the walk. To breath God's breath, live God's life, walk in God's body and know it is every creature's body, and express that and know the relative worth of that as a dwarf to all things of merely mortal importance.

I am the God as a 23 year old male naturopathic student. Embodied not only internally but through and through. Like a child, I struggle to walk upright without forgetting or mistaking, and in my best I may not even quite have it with the grace and ease I will later have. No worries, I need not question being a human for the incapability of my youth, I will only press on.

As a side note, with the normal 3's sets, I feel like putting in something about therapy--here we have perfect spirit finally including yoga or experiential spirituality but with little note of the mental/emotional sides... oh well, I will throw out that they are distinquished but over lapping and all are important, as for therapy, most of my life is in order and the things I might use for therapy actually seem to be yogic jobs, energies from the past that aren't necessarily primarily got at through the intellect, I've done a lot of that, in relationships abound and now the yoga and spirit are found, I lost my yoga and lost my sense but I'm back again to find them.

I shall live knowing myself in total and my conduit nature.

Next thought: so I'll go on a hike alone, be all stiff and lame and then what?-- lol

ahh, gotta love it ...I think yoga and therapy get to talk about changes while spirit accepts all it finds unconditionally... yoga and therapy get to talk about more acceptance and even accepting non-acceptance, but spirituality makes no such distinctions, it doesn't give a damn but still loves, which seems to be the moving force.

So, where is the enjoyment self, it seems that being alone doesn't quite give me the boost that other-ness does, and sushi, I dunno about sushi, I'm not sure if I can study tonight, I want to figure that all out, but for now I just want to finish my spinach and go out for my hike... sushi?

I might not hike after all, but it is good to have that put together, again the, always already, YET, totally practice having an awesome life of god conduit and functional flow for all beings, self and other...seeing them all, both Michael and the rest of the world, I want them all to have happiness.