her

The missing still continues, I wish no end of it, a low level depression of my lost love, she isn't real and yet more than anything else she calls to me. It is a deep and powerful yearning which is unabated. I cry inside, subtle depression, memories of what she gave me.

I remember the trauma too for good measure, seeing those too as both bad and good, but the overall projection is great pain. She has broken in many ways, many many ways, ways which I am not at a place to mend. I am hurt by her deeply and repeatedly, I cannot trust her at all.

And yet, she is so beautiful and I am swept up by her presence, I love her. I still do. My dreams are interesting, we're having sex, but I still fear she's trying to get herself pregnant, just as she did when we were together--she denies it, but I know it's true. She almost got me. The IUD being out might save me from returning--the half-relationship was inherently painful.

I hate the pained and dilluded individual that would bring a child to life not to be left, and I can't trust the jumper, I change so speedy, I am femeninity, I will change to meet your wills, the 1 and 3 are both odd.. I wonder if there is a 4, an independence which is beyond higher dependence, I can't quite see why not.

She seems both to cling to man in the way of a lesser woman and also cling to the masculine silence, end, as she is the motion to my riverbank and yet, I made a choice towards sanity. These women, these friends, they do not touch her magnitude. It was a simple decision, she was lieing in a tier 1 way rather than a tier 3 way. And even if she didn't know she was lieing it still makes her untrustable... it was a growing experience, but she said it for me, I'm here to get a degree in medicine. I don't wish to carry her while studying.

I sure do fucking miss her, but it's helpful for this to remember the hell. It is actually an amazing testimate to the good that I could be missing her with all of the hell I went through.... she was sweet, she was bending to my eating, she bent for me then got upset about it... heh... fairly sexy :)

I mourn a lost love--I said

She asked, "what happened to her?"

Nothing, in fact she would might take me back with open arms this day if I willed it...She was damaging, emotionally damaging, draining...her lost sense of where is up, what is right or better than the other option, it had been destroyed by following the man...I fear I abandoned her, but also hope for her own growth, tore her from a previous cling then made her figure it out without someone else to tell her...it is a story not quite told in such few words but boy did I fall madly in love with that girl, deeply, despite what I call insanity--I am tired now-goodnight.