disappointed

Overall I give myself kudos and love. But I want to honestly say that after reading Hemann Hessie's trees, I am embarrassed to give myself to distractions and crap, sloth and topur--whatever that word used to be. In the back of my mind, I agree and recognize some minor possibility of the need of sloth, and yet, I also disagree entirely, I wish to intentionally project and hide it from myself :)--I am disappointed that I haven't spent my time becoming simply and boringly powerful, journaling and being alone without this laptop, it is good at times, but I need a hike, the outdoors, I need sadness undefended against, depression unguarded, real cures for these rather than pain-killers.