Love others as thyself, not instead of thyself or for thine self

The top part of this is writing on a recent occurrence, something hits me two paragraphs down.

Ex always did, I vow not to?--I wanted to be alone but I think the habit is to fear disappointing or letting someone else think I didn't care enough...possibly as a result of dealing with extremely sensitive individuals and being averse to their response of anxiety/bad feelings in general towards me. This example, current date, wanted to hang out, I said yes even though I obviously didn't want to, kept fighting this lack of desire as a problem. Relieved when she didn't want to hang out either. Not being able to say no. But especially to school over date/work over date, my ex always did this to me, I can't do anything tonight, I'm studying--and I can't hang out with anyone else, for a very social guy, even with some interaction, I felt lonely in college due to this.

What I wish to learn? Some more acceptance of wanting to be alone from time to time, wanting some distance as healthy, and thus accepting others wanting distance and not catering to a chronic fear of abandonment/loss of interest--which in the current case is in my mind, projected, but more so assumed from previous experience to be in the head of my date. So, I said yes anyway, but I wish I'd honor my feelings (I obviously didn't want to hang out deep down) and trust my friends to be okay with my feelings, trust them not to hate me for telling them what I really want. Because in reality they do want me to do what I want, they want me to do what is best for me.

And amazingly, this fits into what I just watched in a beautiful mind. That is, in the movie he says at each person acting for their own benefit won't be as happy as each acting for the whole and the singular. One gets less of what he wants by going straight for it, also it is not the case that the one becomes happy by thinking only of the whole--communism, herd mentality, and the simple fact that you're running up hill, to think only about others is to grit your teeth in the face of who you are, the face of evolution itself and God for that matter if I may be so bold to just throw that out there for the hell of it. Honestly, to want the best for the whole is only helpful in getting the best for one's self, otherwise you get the martyr mentality, everyone owes you something, all of these selfish people and you're taking their pain and giving them happiness, you become bitter and question what the fuck for. This whole Tonglen thing is flawed. The highest accomplishment of selfish and selfless goals comes in realizing their synergy. So often in my life I find that going straight for what I want smashes it, and I've also felt the sting of attempting selflessness which inevitably leads to guilt and excessive self-inflicted pain among other things--possibly enough pain and guilt to hurt you, make you incapable of serving others. Jumping back, pure selfishness feeds hunger instantly, the Buddhist realization is that it is a sort of drinking salt water--on the other side I throw out the analogy of someone working the well and not drinking any water themselves, thus not being able to help the others. There is a subtle poverty mentality in needing to take the pain to give happiness, like it is all numbers, yes some things are numbers and in that frame there are limits, this is very very real, but so is a certain unlimitedness, especially in human nature, in love and wisdom (and surely various other things) giving is receiving. I'm happy to have rediscovered this, it is a fantastic reality, and just to make it clear (after throwing my jumbled thought process on a page), the idea is as such. Selfish and selfless goals/pleasures are best found simultaneously. When we can align these two forces there is a synergy which creates a more profound, pure, and beautiful happiness than is created via attempts at either one alone.

Another beautiful part of this theory, it rocks the boat for lovers of Ghandhi and the Buddha, whoever made up Tonglen practice, and surely many others that I'm just not well read enough to make note of--anyone advocating (or been interpreted to advocate) for selflessness alone. Simultaneously, it corrects Harry Brown--who wrote How I found freedom--at least my understanding of it, in which the author seemed to misunderstand how to really get the most of life--which is not by focusing your life on how to get the most out of life--even if you learn to do that very well. In the latter correction, the idea corrects anyone who has ever wanted something and made plans to get it. This may sound silly, but that model only works on inanimate objects. Especially when you're working with humans, you'd do best to try and get what you want only while honestly trying (not just pretending to try) to get for others what others want.

I know, it's an old idea, even a simple, "no duh" idea for many, but I've discovered it within, and while I've been trying to live it for a long time, I have never quite found it as solidly as today. Even just a week ago I was trying out Tong Len again thinking it might be good for me and now I'm not thinking so. Maybe I need a better explanation of it, but until someone tells me I've completely misunderstood it, I'm considering abandonment of it to be an accomplishment. With it I abandon previous ideals of approaching a misguided version of ethical purity which leads to needing to give constantly and literally forgetting the needs and wants of your own organism. I shall love others AS myself, not in spite of myself.