disappointed

Overall I give myself kudos and love. But I want to honestly say that after reading Hemann Hessie's trees, I am embarrassed to give myself to distractions and crap, sloth and topur--whatever that word used to be. In the back of my mind, I agree and recognize some minor possibility of the need of sloth, and yet, I also disagree entirely, I wish to intentionally project and hide it from myself :)--I am disappointed that I haven't spent my time becoming simply and boringly powerful, journaling and being alone without this laptop, it is good at times, but I need a hike, the outdoors, I need sadness undefended against, depression unguarded, real cures for these rather than pain-killers.

i am not

the doer of my deeds

thinker of my thoughts

producer of my states or stages

but the mere witness of this and all else

"me"

I'm a student at the Natural College of Natural Medicine in Portland, Oregon. I'm interested in preventative medicine and thus I'm interested in nutrition. I made a book scanner that I use to convert books to audio and listen to them. My favorite author is Ken Wilber.

I enjoy DDR, contact improvisation, and contra dancing, weight lifting, video games, meditation, and breathing outside. I'm a huggy touchy person. I find radically rational, open-minded, intelligent commentary on most any subject to be a joy similar to breathing in deeply after holding one's breath for slightly too long. I have a special interest in the overlapping subjects of spirituality and psychology.

ESFP

plan

why/how/what

exercise, weights+intervals(running) 2-3x per week?

will I keep track?

special exercise thing once a month?

meditation 2-3 times per week

will i keep track?

what counts?

--is it worth keeping track?--cost-benefit

copy booksx1:trogyam trunpa--play with superior man and rules of game

-->what goals do I have--am I anti-goals? -- why?

-make money, build practice

-women?

-gaming?

-

what why, who? what part of me, do I believe this is good for me?

her

The missing still continues, I wish no end of it, a low level depression of my lost love, she isn't real and yet more than anything else she calls to me. It is a deep and powerful yearning which is unabated. I cry inside, subtle depression, memories of what she gave me.

I remember the trauma too for good measure, seeing those too as both bad and good, but the overall projection is great pain. She has broken in many ways, many many ways, ways which I am not at a place to mend. I am hurt by her deeply and repeatedly, I cannot trust her at all.

And yet, she is so beautiful and I am swept up by her presence, I love her. I still do. My dreams are interesting, we're having sex, but I still fear she's trying to get herself pregnant, just as she did when we were together--she denies it, but I know it's true. She almost got me. The IUD being out might save me from returning--the half-relationship was inherently painful.

I hate the pained and dilluded individual that would bring a child to life not to be left, and I can't trust the jumper, I change so speedy, I am femeninity, I will change to meet your wills, the 1 and 3 are both odd.. I wonder if there is a 4, an independence which is beyond higher dependence, I can't quite see why not.

She seems both to cling to man in the way of a lesser woman and also cling to the masculine silence, end, as she is the motion to my riverbank and yet, I made a choice towards sanity. These women, these friends, they do not touch her magnitude. It was a simple decision, she was lieing in a tier 1 way rather than a tier 3 way. And even if she didn't know she was lieing it still makes her untrustable... it was a growing experience, but she said it for me, I'm here to get a degree in medicine. I don't wish to carry her while studying.

I sure do fucking miss her, but it's helpful for this to remember the hell. It is actually an amazing testimate to the good that I could be missing her with all of the hell I went through.... she was sweet, she was bending to my eating, she bent for me then got upset about it... heh... fairly sexy :)

I mourn a lost love--I said

She asked, "what happened to her?"

Nothing, in fact she would might take me back with open arms this day if I willed it...She was damaging, emotionally damaging, draining...her lost sense of where is up, what is right or better than the other option, it had been destroyed by following the man...I fear I abandoned her, but also hope for her own growth, tore her from a previous cling then made her figure it out without someone else to tell her...it is a story not quite told in such few words but boy did I fall madly in love with that girl, deeply, despite what I call insanity--I am tired now-goodnight.

writing to myself

I have trouble with the notion of writing to myself only--most times. I've done it, sure. but I don't really go back and read it much, and there is just something much more worthwhile about having it such that someone could read it, there is some sort of communication, I used to send long emails to people I barely knew from AOL chatrooms about my life, getting everything off my chest, it seems now that I'm continually worried about overburdening people, when did that start?--it seems unhealthy, I know someone might be dying to hear my insides for no reason whatsoever

ANYWAY, good news is I can pretend this is going to someone directly, but on top of that I'd like to actually be talking to someone honestly about my problems..

*went to do that*

Hike intention notes

I am working out something that right now is this: The always already aspect of spirituality seems to be possibly its own thing, but also it seems to be a condition for the experience of being a conduit of spirit, and can be a hinderence of this in that it might keep you from motivation to put the life/body-mind into a place that more readily conducts spirit, that is, making opportunities for clear contact of the One. So, given those two, I set the background Ramana Maharshi Intention to know that all is right, there is no moving, all moving is God, all stillness is God. In this we have a dual-situation in which surrender to God's will as a servant also creates more freedom, more capaility to achieve happiness--so it seems to me. So, in my hike, I intend that beyond the all is fine no matter what view that I intentionally find God coursing through me experientially, so that I may be a better teacher, healer, and evangeslist, so that people shall see God through my actions and want in. This is my intention for the walk. To breath God's breath, live God's life, walk in God's body and know it is every creature's body, and express that and know the relative worth of that as a dwarf to all things of merely mortal importance.

I am the God as a 23 year old male naturopathic student. Embodied not only internally but through and through. Like a child, I struggle to walk upright without forgetting or mistaking, and in my best I may not even quite have it with the grace and ease I will later have. No worries, I need not question being a human for the incapability of my youth, I will only press on.

As a side note, with the normal 3's sets, I feel like putting in something about therapy--here we have perfect spirit finally including yoga or experiential spirituality but with little note of the mental/emotional sides... oh well, I will throw out that they are distinquished but over lapping and all are important, as for therapy, most of my life is in order and the things I might use for therapy actually seem to be yogic jobs, energies from the past that aren't necessarily primarily got at through the intellect, I've done a lot of that, in relationships abound and now the yoga and spirit are found, I lost my yoga and lost my sense but I'm back again to find them.

I shall live knowing myself in total and my conduit nature.

Next thought: so I'll go on a hike alone, be all stiff and lame and then what?-- lol

ahh, gotta love it ...I think yoga and therapy get to talk about changes while spirit accepts all it finds unconditionally... yoga and therapy get to talk about more acceptance and even accepting non-acceptance, but spirituality makes no such distinctions, it doesn't give a damn but still loves, which seems to be the moving force.

So, where is the enjoyment self, it seems that being alone doesn't quite give me the boost that other-ness does, and sushi, I dunno about sushi, I'm not sure if I can study tonight, I want to figure that all out, but for now I just want to finish my spinach and go out for my hike... sushi?

I might not hike after all, but it is good to have that put together, again the, always already, YET, totally practice having an awesome life of god conduit and functional flow for all beings, self and other...seeing them all, both Michael and the rest of the world, I want them all to have happiness.

here and future

I was able to wrestle myself free of the view that right was whatever would benefit me in the future--with an idea that it was always doing, meditating, exercising, reading, etc. The realization that the best requires a Nowness... With this, however, I started with an exclusive now which pushed out future planning. Now that I have a Now which is inclusive, yet still somewhat centered in feeling, I must re-integrate future, planning, etc. Initial problem: I had the old uncompromising super super crazy hard expectations of perfection, planning 3 hour spans with 30 minute breaks leads one to simply feel bad about failure--or push beyond limits of friendliness to self.

So, now I may muscle test or simple listen to myself when I may be asking too much. I can ask myself simply if this feels right, if I'm having jarring emotions, dropping things, ask myself, "did I forget something?--how may I be resisting my true purpose--which includes playful passing nows and preparations for healthy happy futures.

note to self

I am uncertain about my use of time still--gaming and FB time vs school work, reading my own books, learning other things. the whole thing about going with my flow v.s. trying to force a schedule--I feel there is something wrong and something right simultaneously--or is it just a tightrope walk

with less work to do and more books to listen to gaming is cool but more work = do more work and less books= find more books or meditate or something

yeah and where is my time for meditation? Eh, I like the chillness but I'm uncertain about my entire desire/doing stuff setup

becoming an asshole

I just realized that my Buddhisty training involves not getting into intellectual squabbles and I think this is an important thing to go through, because now I'm capable of not getting into an intellectual squabble and more or less not giving a damn. However, with my increasingly integral sort of view, I'm bringing back in shadow shit and possibly upgrading (or maybe making a big mess of) my Dharma--which I'm willing to do either of. I'm a little underpracticed due to the lack of participation--and the lack of a mind which thinks about winning social interactions constantly. But I'm a smart dude and I think both my gaming mental speed, my knowledge, and my spiritual work too, will give me an edge on learning. I'm in fact making a point to reduce the amount of times which I back down from an intellectual struggle, look under it for mutual understanding, sure, have compassion for them, of course, point things out as ideas separate from them that are wrong, point out how we agree and distancing them from the view which they presented as 'better than my view'--yes. However, the big stick aspect is zen, the masculine compassion which carries a sword, an accupuncture needle of you like--is coming to life--and the power is consuming, I'm glad I've worked hard in spiritual practice. I have to be very careful with this. It is important to realize I will make mistakes. For example, I take my desire and use it to my advantage but sometimes it gets out of hand, however the positive from bringing them together is better than trying to suppress desire, similarly I believe that the agression might be misfired, or seemingly misfired at times--maybe the desire isn't actually misfired when I stay up to late doing random shit, that's a difficult sell--anyway, I think that often being able to inflict pain will serve me, I can't wait for my thinking mind, I have to strike with the "hate", the "aggression" because what we learn about shadow work is that there is nothing wrong with aggression itself, or even some reactions, but at some point there can be a mistuned energy of relation to those energies which must be retuned by practice of some sort. I think I'm getting there, the there of being able to wield my aggression in service of individual and greater good. Just like the desire, I'll have self criticism to deal with afterward--not seeing myself as a self-indulgent jerk based solely on possible outer appearances, even the interpretation of energies inside--the view that acting on the enjoyment of aggression being wrong--I wish to embrace that aggression and also learn to embrace the self-criticism as a well-meaning friend--a reminder to be careful. I realize in my writing to respond, my first reaction is--am I getting my ego into this, but again it's "I"-ness not big headed-ness that we're against here--check yourself, but reck others as needed :). But really, this is a big thing, my stopping point is the idea that I'm above winning, and the thing is, if I've got a better--more truth, beauty, goodness--view that I'm proposing, then I need to get good at being an evangelist--who are notoriously pushy. Now, I have this pause to be sure I'm doing the right thing, or to try and figure out the best response--in some cases, someone is rude and there is seemingly no response, like today, I was not on a podium but I still had no idea after 20 mins of thinking how to best respond to the bitch in front. What would Miller do...also to help me out, it might be best at times to remember that I might be better off saying, let's discuss this later. It makes the game harder, I must at the same time, choose whether to engage or not, and if either, how--but this game, if harder, is infinitely more worthwhile than the easier game of serial reaction. Like in SC2, I can do cheese and win sometimes, but if I learn the game and play it well, I might have trouble starting off, but do much better in the long run, and while I may not play SC2 long enough to take that route, I can be sure I'll be dealing with people for long enough to make it worth my while to go ahead and fail a bunch, consider whether to allow simple meanness, or be silent, ask to talk later, leave, say that is mistreatment, disrespectful, reply with useful bigger man responses or directly cut them down as they have me--in a well orchestrated slice.

I'm afraid and that's a good thing--it'll make me cautious--some fear is good, and not all love is...however, this seems to be the way, to accept others hurting for their greater good, like children needing to take medicine. It sounds somewhat big headed, but I've learned to have the pride to be truthful. When so many leave their evolution out of their own hands it is a worthwhile thing to do to be truthful about my advances and their shortcomings--along with the more acceptable visa versa.

One final useful point of view that I mentioned but need to elaborate upon is to in the moment consider that they have a view that is pointing out another aspect of the reality which isn't directly in opposition to your view even if they think it is. Thus you can avoid the whole conflict and help them feel smart by saying, yes, that's true... AND so is this, look how they fit together, they're converted to your view which includes their important piece in your larger puzzle--that's a great way to deal with worthwhile confrontation.

Ignorant Erudite

Fuck these opinions you call common sense, these views you call reality, this religion you call science. My religion is science, that is, speculation, objectivity, an open skeptical mind towards all information.

missed positives?

i've been checking out my psych notes and wonder if I've got a bit of the things listed, not wanting to miss a problem which may be affecting me. Better, I wonder about things I do well, positives in my life which may go un-noted, hell, and those that are noted in both categories.

In a short attempt, I know that I'm good at protecting myself from prolonged misuse or delusion. It doesn't seem I'm good at quick-response situations as far as social defense and attraction. I do well to keep an organized and directed life while still often yielding to higher knowledge/intuition. I've learned to say no in many situations. Giving seems natural. I exercise and get my school work done, I meditate, I don't yell at myself for not living up to this or that, and yet I still work to achieve goals. I think I'm attractive, intelligent, highly intuitive with other spiritual capabilities including acceptance, non linear thinking, skepticism, pushing through boundaries, attention to feeling, I think I'm strong, I'll be a good weight lifter, I'm kind and good at communication, I'm characteristically honest, realistic and optimistic, I'm a good dancer, gamer, I can accept various aspects of my entire body/mind, including aggression/competition as well as sexual desires, selfishness and selflessness, i follow my heart and allow it to utterly propel me like a large slingshot, I'm capable of great joys and great sorrows without looking away.

Also, I can be fooled, I can be slow to react to injustice thrown upon myself or others, I can restrict pleasure/nature too much or allow it to come ahead of growth/achievement/helping myself and others long term. I can be "lazy", and I can listen to the needs of my body. I can miss things right infront of me and I can see the simple solution, and I can see the not-so-simple ones as well as miss them. I can be coerced, encouraged by threat of pain or pain itself to go against my heart and/or best judgement. I can stand up to coercion. I can be stuck in fear and contraction, I can move through fear and contraction.

I am a doctor, a teacher, a lover, a fighter, a scholar, a spiritual being, a jerk, a pervert, a communicator, a dancer, and more.

I am all and one. I am fleeting, dying. I am eternal. I am lost. I am never away from home, complete in knowing and compassion. I am small and incomplete. I am big. I am infinite.

I am alone. I am/we are all one. I am insane, ultrasane, human.

I am capable, given the circumstances, of much pain and much happiness of various types and directions (others/self).

All in all, I find the situation to be lovely. I breathe as the universe, walking in place, laughing.

glorious practice

I just wanted to share a bit how my interest in Psychology/Spirituality is going. I often reflect on my own habits of mental, emotional, physical, and energetic/consciousness/affect and use my reading/knowledge in Psychology/Spirituality and social dynamics, really whatever ideas I can get my hands on including random bits from economics, homeopathy and Chinese medicine, and see how the two (experience and idea) fit. In other words, I study Applied Humanity. Which I'd say is to look deeply at your own experience, and with the help of an open skeptical mind, experiment with the application of various mental/emotional/spiritual frameworks. I do so, and I've been writing about it, and more importantly living it. The fantastic thing is that everything I learn is extremely applicable--because that's the basis of the work. I'm trying things out to see what helps me be happy and function effectively.

I've been writing down what I learn, recently off of facebook. A lot of the ideas are in a sort of fuzzy--not quite fully incubated--form, even if I know it for myself, each needs more experimentation and refinement before unleashing them out to the world. Yet, often I do it anyway, in writing, and most certainly if you get on the topic with me in person. Just because it's not quite ready for publishing doesn't mean it can't be useful to others...So, for the past month or so while I've been looking at the way I'm interacting with others and myself (my own views affecting behavior and life outlook), I haven't been writing publicly, but I wanted to publicly say that I've been making notes :). I'M DISCOVERING REALLY AWESOME AND INTERESTING STUFF. And just like anyone's discoveries, I might be retracing old ground, incredibly likely in this situation, but I still feel I'm doing really useful work, even if I were to read some of the things I realize, the ideas aren't quite it, discovering them is learning them deeply, and practicing them all in one.

Now, I can't leave this whole mess without giving at least one example, which is, I recently watched a beautiful mind, in which John Nash explains (in the bar with the Blonde) that each person acting for their own benefit won't be as happy as each acting for the whole and themselves. One gets less of what he wants by going straight for it. Also, (my addition) it is not the case that the one becomes happy by thinking only of the whole--communism, herd mentality--a simple fact is that you're running up hill, to think only about others is to grit your teeth in the face of who you are, the face of evolution itself and God for that matter if I may be so bold to just throw that out there for the hell of it. Honestly, to want the best for the whole is only helpful WITH a desire to get the best for one's self, otherwise you get the martyr mentality, everyone owes you something, all of these selfish people and you're taking their pain and giving them happiness, you become bitter and question what the fuck for, why am I supposed to do this again?--God sure does want a lot from me, too bad I can never live up to it--more on this later.

The highest accomplishment of selfish and selfless goals comes in realizing their synergy. So often in my life I find that going straight for what I want smashes it, and I've also felt the sting of attempting selflessness which inevitably leads to guilt and excessive self-inflicted pain among other things--possibly enough pain and guilt to make you incapable of serving others. Jumping back, pure selfishness feeds hunger instantly, the Buddhist realization is that it is a sort of drinking salt water--the more you drink, the thirstier you get--on the other side I throw out the analogy of someone working the well and not drinking any water themselves, thus not being able to help the others. There is a subtle poverty mentality in needing to take the pain to give happiness, like it is all numbers, yes some things are numbers and in that frame there are limits, this is very real, but so is a certain unlimitedness, especially in human nature, in love and wisdom (and surely various other things) giving is receiving. I'm happy to have rediscovered this, it is a fantastic reality, and just to make it clear (after throwing my jumbled thought process on a page), the idea is as such: Selfish and selfless goals/pleasures are best found simultaneously. When we can align these two forces there is a synergy which creates a more profound, pure, and beautiful happiness than is created via attempts at either one alone.

Another beautiful part of this theory, it rocks the boat for lovers of Ghandhi and the Buddha, whoever made up Tonglen practice, and surely many others that I'm just not well read enough to make note of--anyone advocating (or interpreted as advocating) for selflessness alone. Simultaneously, it corrects Harry Brown--who wrote How I found freedom in an unfree world--at least my reading of it, in which the author seemed to misunderstand how to really get the most of life--which is not by focusing your life on how to get the most out of life--even if you learn to do that very well. In the latter correction, the idea corrects anyone who has ever wanted something and made plans to get it. This may sound silly, but that model (going for what you want) only (debatably) works on inanimate objects. Especially when you're working with humans, you'd do best to try and get what you want only while honestly trying (not just pretending to try) to get for others what others want. Along with basic pleasure, if you try out the experiment, you might notice another form of happiness coming from helping others and a freedom from fear because you don't lose if others, at another point in time, win.

For some, it's an old idea, even a simple, "no duh" idea for many, but today I've discovered it anew, and while I've been trying to live it for a long time, I have never quite found it as solidly as today. Even just a week ago I was trying out Tonglen again thinking it might be good for me and now I'm not thinking so. Maybe I need a better explanation of Tonglen, but until someone tells me I've completely misunderstood it, I'm considering abandonment of it to be an accomplishment. With it I abandon previous ideals of approaching a misguided version of ethical purity which leads to needing to give constantly and literally forgetting the needs and wants of your own organism--where is the compassion in that? Instead, I shall love others AS myself, not in spite of myself. I hope to practice this often.

Finally, after editing, this ending bit, "loving others as myself", sparks a little conspiracy theory. To go along with an atheist/reductionist view that Religion is to keep people in line, MAYBE Christ and Buddha did not advocate for selflessness. MAYBE we only think of them as selfless and advocating selflessness because of an encouraged mistranslation that leads to people trying to forget their needs for the needs of others--sounds great for a dictator or a selfish person in general, get everyone else to forget their needs for the needs of others (you). Easy to control, easy to manipulate. However, if the Buddha and Christ truly reflected on life, and surrendered to Spirit, their power came in compassion for others informed by the actual experience of being a person with needs and wants and not trying to force out human desires but embracing those desires as they embrace others and help them be happy too. They did not deny themselves for the sake of others but had compassion for both self and other. It is obvious, is it not?--the middle path, love others as thyself--what an odd mistaken view of spiritual purity that I've acquired, to think I saw Christ/Buddha/the goal of spiritual practice as selflessness rather than the middle way, as loving others in spite of one's self. These drives are to find harmony and if it's a question of me or them/us, you're just doing/thinking/viewing it wrong. With a radically true view of reality, we might find that actually all situations are of Win/Win or Lose/Lose nature. Even in competition we only need to look at a different level to see how this relationship benefits both parties. This is not to lie to oneself when one is being selfish, there must be integrity within one's self in the application of the idea, BUT if you really practice it, boy it is a glorious practice.

Hehe, editing ^this, I've got one little critique or maybe just a clarification, in an actual life or death situation of defending myself with my own hands, I might be able to theoretically fit this into Win/Win situation sort of picture, but honestly at this point I can't see it, if I'm fighting for my life, with love and respect for my adversary I'll fight for my life. Funny enough though, the answer already came, the synergy is desire for my life (obvious) and a view that I'm worth more to the world than anything that would try and kill me. Another possibly fun/interesting debate, but that's the way I see it, and it fits. Maybe something doesn't fit, but honestly it seems that the amount of situations which have this 'best for one and all' reality are so many that I don't much care if there seems to be a theoretical exception here or there.

voluntarily lost in a great idea for the best

Sometimes I'm so taken by great ideas that I act a bit weird, but I'm glad I am possessed in such a way, the yelling in the back says I need to study, but something else knows the greater importance of the idea--I balance each, I hear you mind of getting my work in order, I'll come back to you when it is time.

Love others as thyself, not instead of thyself or for thine self

The top part of this is writing on a recent occurrence, something hits me two paragraphs down.

Ex always did, I vow not to?--I wanted to be alone but I think the habit is to fear disappointing or letting someone else think I didn't care enough...possibly as a result of dealing with extremely sensitive individuals and being averse to their response of anxiety/bad feelings in general towards me. This example, current date, wanted to hang out, I said yes even though I obviously didn't want to, kept fighting this lack of desire as a problem. Relieved when she didn't want to hang out either. Not being able to say no. But especially to school over date/work over date, my ex always did this to me, I can't do anything tonight, I'm studying--and I can't hang out with anyone else, for a very social guy, even with some interaction, I felt lonely in college due to this.

What I wish to learn? Some more acceptance of wanting to be alone from time to time, wanting some distance as healthy, and thus accepting others wanting distance and not catering to a chronic fear of abandonment/loss of interest--which in the current case is in my mind, projected, but more so assumed from previous experience to be in the head of my date. So, I said yes anyway, but I wish I'd honor my feelings (I obviously didn't want to hang out deep down) and trust my friends to be okay with my feelings, trust them not to hate me for telling them what I really want. Because in reality they do want me to do what I want, they want me to do what is best for me.

And amazingly, this fits into what I just watched in a beautiful mind. That is, in the movie he says at each person acting for their own benefit won't be as happy as each acting for the whole and the singular. One gets less of what he wants by going straight for it, also it is not the case that the one becomes happy by thinking only of the whole--communism, herd mentality, and the simple fact that you're running up hill, to think only about others is to grit your teeth in the face of who you are, the face of evolution itself and God for that matter if I may be so bold to just throw that out there for the hell of it. Honestly, to want the best for the whole is only helpful in getting the best for one's self, otherwise you get the martyr mentality, everyone owes you something, all of these selfish people and you're taking their pain and giving them happiness, you become bitter and question what the fuck for. This whole Tonglen thing is flawed. The highest accomplishment of selfish and selfless goals comes in realizing their synergy. So often in my life I find that going straight for what I want smashes it, and I've also felt the sting of attempting selflessness which inevitably leads to guilt and excessive self-inflicted pain among other things--possibly enough pain and guilt to hurt you, make you incapable of serving others. Jumping back, pure selfishness feeds hunger instantly, the Buddhist realization is that it is a sort of drinking salt water--on the other side I throw out the analogy of someone working the well and not drinking any water themselves, thus not being able to help the others. There is a subtle poverty mentality in needing to take the pain to give happiness, like it is all numbers, yes some things are numbers and in that frame there are limits, this is very very real, but so is a certain unlimitedness, especially in human nature, in love and wisdom (and surely various other things) giving is receiving. I'm happy to have rediscovered this, it is a fantastic reality, and just to make it clear (after throwing my jumbled thought process on a page), the idea is as such. Selfish and selfless goals/pleasures are best found simultaneously. When we can align these two forces there is a synergy which creates a more profound, pure, and beautiful happiness than is created via attempts at either one alone.

Another beautiful part of this theory, it rocks the boat for lovers of Ghandhi and the Buddha, whoever made up Tonglen practice, and surely many others that I'm just not well read enough to make note of--anyone advocating (or been interpreted to advocate) for selflessness alone. Simultaneously, it corrects Harry Brown--who wrote How I found freedom--at least my understanding of it, in which the author seemed to misunderstand how to really get the most of life--which is not by focusing your life on how to get the most out of life--even if you learn to do that very well. In the latter correction, the idea corrects anyone who has ever wanted something and made plans to get it. This may sound silly, but that model only works on inanimate objects. Especially when you're working with humans, you'd do best to try and get what you want only while honestly trying (not just pretending to try) to get for others what others want.

I know, it's an old idea, even a simple, "no duh" idea for many, but I've discovered it within, and while I've been trying to live it for a long time, I have never quite found it as solidly as today. Even just a week ago I was trying out Tong Len again thinking it might be good for me and now I'm not thinking so. Maybe I need a better explanation of it, but until someone tells me I've completely misunderstood it, I'm considering abandonment of it to be an accomplishment. With it I abandon previous ideals of approaching a misguided version of ethical purity which leads to needing to give constantly and literally forgetting the needs and wants of your own organism. I shall love others AS myself, not in spite of myself.

some notes on psychology

riding the waves v.s. logical work through

I just want to make quick note that I'm still dancing with and discovering a line between following the emotional desires in relation to getting done what I need to get done, v.s. recognizing the time constraints and doing the most pertinent thing first... it's really a flowing now/future dialogue as well as one of pleasure/work (pain?-ish) dialogue.

Also layered learning: I could say this and the other truth I recently wrote about a long time ago, but I'm still processing and reprocessing them, I keep coming back, requestioning, reworking, reforming them. What I could accept already I still work through--this is a worthwhile process, though possibly confusing or frustrating for someone thinking too logically--why am I working through something I'd already figured out?--well, you figured it out, the whole thing at once, but that was just one layer, there is another layer, you realize the whole but in parts, BEAUTIFUL! The whole is me having realized that riding the waves works with logical to better accomplish my goals and stay relaxed but still at even writing that, I know that I don't fully realize this truth, I still act/think as if I don't realize this, I will still falter with it, ex: I might easily just play too much, then logic says woah you've got work to do, this is scary you just wasting time, but then other times I recognize the importance of doing my studies in a way that fits my moods/energy/affect/consciousness at the time--a sort of going with the wave of the moment.

No vs Beyond Reaction/View

it's about knowing what is beyond our relative views, which may get stronger or weaker, but the ideal is not to be seen as having no relative views, but knowing what is beyond them--still defending relative views or rightness. ex: defending another human being. it is not that we don't react, it is that we know that which is beyond our reactions. Nothing other than God.

sex

sex is better when told that "we should just do sexiness, without the sex"--drives me into simply enjoying what is going on rather than seeing it as path to something else, seems to fit this situation at least--tell this to self even if it isn't true, we're doing sexiness without the sex, just enjoy these moments at they are.

also, interesting: it is hard to figure being out of the moment if you can think while in it, but the experiential difference here is being in a desire, being stuck on that, vs. seeing what is going on in the moment that is enjoyable of itself.

Dealing with assholes--some reflection

The reality just hit me. It is not that there is some problem in Portland--at least if there is, it isn't what happened with D. That might have been an interaction with J. But, more importantly, I remember it happening with an ex-roomate, C. C said, "if you want to have the outside air, just buy and install a screen, don't let the bugs in". We might have come to that conclusion, it might have been fair, it might not. More importantly, however, is that he oriented himself above me in command, and then I am only given the choice to disobey or obey, and I generally do a bit of each. The beloved sinister wishing to crush such a person, and the beloved dexter knowing a more direct route to peace--silence.

And yet neither really do the job as required, both react to the surface rather than at the depth. At the depth the problem is someone setting themselves up as an unreasonable boss, my reactions are almost mandatory, both of them, an uneasy silence or a less silent uneasiness--which is 'lite' for various ways of dealing with the situation--side note: I get pleasure from thinking about this course. But, that pleasure only works when the idea is that I could be successful in such an action.

Higher, deeper, or prior to both is an address towards the nature of the relationship itself rather than the situation. This address might look like, "This sounds like something we should talk out." However, it is easier written than said because when the "request" comes as a direct confrontation, a direct power struggle, it is hard to jump straight there. Upon reflection on experiences, I think it might be best to try and say (in a way that speaks directly to the confrontation), "I have no problem at all helping with [your needs] but I'd rather not have [whatever they have over your head] than be coerced" Responding to the other situation I find, I have this set: "You know, I'd love to find something that works for both of us, and maybe that situation you recommended is best, but this doesn't seem like a one-on-one conversation, it sounds more like coercion, and I'd like to get on the same level and talk about it."

This is a long term issue that needs figuring, but I'm glad I have these scripts, I wish to do some visualizations of using these in context, some more reflection, and maybe next time I come across the energy/situation, I'll have a proper response which is neither bending over in surrender or in preparation to charge and maul.

my movie

The only reason why we put the evil thing in a far away place at the end is because the movie ends in two hours, and the author stops writing at some point. In my movie, all of the villains and rivals, past lovers and conflicting characters still see each other daily. It seems an odd situation. The conflicting characters must simply coexist as best they can after conflict resolution.

So it is more like a t.v. show which has a movie featuring a conflict between the protagonist and a specific antagonist, and the t.v. show continues as before after the movie.

Yea sure, that's the big idea I was going for...

food--lunch

raw apple cider with 2 eggs blended in

Sandwich on dave's killer: good seed bread, banana, home-made mayo, bit of butter, and cheese.

Sex: a different distinction

Some people are against one night stands or un-partnered sex in general. I am not. However, I am (as a personal preference) against the kind of sex which is like a bear rubbing up against a tree. That is to say, the parties just using each other to scratch an itch. Paradoxically, I believe that to a degree, such sex has a place in a long term committed relationship. You're in love and you both know it, so sometimes you just make each other feel good because why not--and there isn't much real communion involved in those moments. However, in the case of a one or several night stand, it seems mistaken to miss out on the primary nourishment of the situation--the chance to know and be known by someone on a deeper level.

When giving a massage, one can feel where there is tightness and where there isn't, where there is shielding and where there is release. In this way we get to know not just the physical body, but the emotional body, we get a peek into this person's person. In sex, similarly, we find ourselves on an enjoyable fast track to knowing our partner, much deeper than just how they look naked and simultaneously we can share ourselves.

What a gift to know this beauty before me.

And so, it is disheartening to know someone in such a situation who is looking for an anemic spark, a spasm while in the room with such a treasure. Too hungry to see the smörgåsbord behind the Pop-Tart he or she is consuming.

Thus, as always, nourish all bodies with real food, real loving communion, real knowledge, real pleasures--which are simply the flow of life itself.

and p.s. having read this over, I dislike the writing in it, it needs lots of editing to make it more than just a note to self--to make it readable, however, the idea came through, and that's good enough for my purposes.

sc2 insights

I'm pleased to find that there is something in me no longer interested in playing the game of needing to win and fuzzy pleasure feelings in the body. While surely it is part of my being, I'm knowing a solid structure which desires learning and worthwhile competition which is often accompanied by a heavy heart of loss and a sober mind. However, I find the greater joy, the bigger self which knows not only the pleasure and win-seeking self but the one which transcends and includes it at a higher/deeper level. I still feel the heaviness of failure, and yet I am happy to know I am learning, I'm freed from the tethers of a confining view on happiness which only sees winning and "pleasure" feelings as happiness--it is not only confining, but also non conducive to long term happiness. The happiness I know is deeper, wiser, and more mature--it doesn't say that the other is wrong, but like action figures, I've grown out of them into something which suits me better. With this I pursue victory in my game.

an archetypal problem for me

the battle wages on between work for future goals and current vibratory yummy feelings. The first asks for studying, meditation, and chores. The second asks for video games, sex, and at times meditation. While there is a joy to both, they are in conflict, when the second is strong, ideas about studying are banished and the nunc fluens (now flow) is chosen in one direction; when the first is strong, well, I study--anyway, I have to do that now..

I love learning about myself

Just seeing that it seems difficult for me to work the on-off switch on pleasure. I see this even more in my dad, work work work--go on vacation--still kinda grumbly--need alcohol to get started. As for me, when I do play video games with jeff, it is difficult for me to stop in good time. Similarly, I've had kicks of constant workmanship when I thought that was right. It seems kinda big to go one way or the other, not that I can't do it fairly easily at times, but from time to time it just won't go. THE LEAVER IS STUCK! It does work the other way too--working and having difficulty putting it down. Interesting stuff.

Kinda reminds me of alex getting on a kick and not being able to stop, a certain inertia--allows one to easily forget about the oven...

Seems like there is something underlying the first paragraph in the second--that there is a certain capacity to be engrossed, to embody various things but little practice in smoothness of transition.

Always Now...to sometimes Now

(disclaimer: this thought was thrown down quickly and is hard to follow, if you read the whole thing you'll likely get the geist, but reading over it quickly with no time to edit I realize that there will be points where it's best you just pretend to get what I'm talking about and keep going, if you want to actually talk about these ideas some time, I'd love to)

I was just thinking about a thing that I'd kinda figured out before but needed to work through again. IN THE BEGINNING, there were really black and white ideas, Buddha is always Buddha and once you do the Buddha thing you're done, just one kind of thing which is amazing awesomeness and telling other people how to be amazing awesomeness and having most of them not get it most of the time. HOWEVER, some--and I'm joining the camp, have decided that actually really good enlightenment is being able to be fluid about your method of interacting, there might be a tendency to go from the rational thinking through mind to a more natural experience of reality in which some amount of Oneness is realized and the lines get all fuzzy and difficult to tease apart, and this is real groovy and seems closer to reality. HOWEVER, it is helpful in extending your impact on other people and accomplishing daily life tasks (that is if you aren't allowed to have this monk-hood thing)--to do that rational thought-separation from outside world--using your mind to make up FUTURES and plans to crank on specific leavers in certain ways...this is SOOO not BUDDHA right? it's what I was doing before I realized all that groovy stuff AND YET---no.

It doesn't seem hard on the surface to say no, obviously we've got stuff to do and we can't all just chop wood and carry water, we have to chop our life into organized-calendarized bits and carry complex mental constructs in tandem and this must be a part of our spirituality, because it is our reality. But when I look at it for more than half a moment I see that it requires A HUGE UPHEAVAL, we have to throw out perfection as...at least I...thought of it when I first started looking into spiritual stuff, and indeed still do fairly often, there is this awesomeness where you're so so so awesome that you're like these other people that were awesome and nothing talks about them doing mental gymnastics it was only about the awesome bits. And so, it requires a bit more reality than we might be ready to throw in. Where is this excessive amount of hope that I get from spirituality/religion if I've still got these relative things that I have to do that aren't even some glorious simplicity? I can't pray constantly? I can't experience my vibratory body all the time? Well shit, where is the nirvana in that? In some sense we have to find something beyond experience/feeling that isn't even mental and what the hell is that?

Something that is present both in meditation and in figuring out action plans for future events? That is not what I signed up for, I signed up to know bliss in some sort of constancy. Going from full on suffering to full on freedom.

I'm not giving up the possibility of full on freedom as some sort of possibility. But I'm starting to believe that if we truly update spirituality then our chopping of wood and carrying water need to be mental wood and water as well as the physical versions--we can't hide from the complexity which is the current state of our work. So, I have to switch off between future-mind and Now-mind and FURTHER THAN THAT--believe that a Buddha or Christ would too. They may be bliss but in this day and age (probably back then too), they needed to crunch the numbers now and again. To reintegrate what I just finished freeing myself from--if I thought I was regressing from rational to beyond-rational, I've definitely got to work with the fear of regression here, not only am I no longer thinking right, I'm now loosing that groovy now-ness feeling as an all-the-time goal to eventually be my only experience...now it is some sort of functional ability to adapt to my environment and use rational thought and self discipline when needed and then stop that wave and start the Now-ness function when it is more suited. ANOTHER RESPONSIBILITY--decide when each is needed. Most recently, I've been in the beyond thought sort of state of mind most of the time and thinking that I needed to try to get that in more and more, and now, ESPECIALLY now that I'm back in school, I've got to balance in rational thought of organizing notes and thinking about when I'm going to study and when I'm going to eat, and what I should eat, and how to grow my career in steps over time and balance things on an intellectual level. Part of me worries that I'm going backwards, part is worried I'll forget me, another part has been worried about the whole Now thing and is happy that I'm considering doing less of that and thinks I'll have a better memory for it.

One teacher would say it's a left-brain right-brain mode of operations and being able to switch between the two--that's something that genpo roshi from big mind big heart was talking about.

SO, now that that mind-growth has been thrown on to the screen, it's time to study pathology. Wish me well in my transition from the view of "more post-rational is better" to "let's learn to use rational time-locked thinking and modes of living as much as is necessary and make smooth transitions to meet life's demands".

Also before the path, wanted to make random note and I might as well here that I often think about a correlate between light and spirit. That is, light comes out not when the electron becomes charged up but when it is falling down, thus the possibility that you are changed and show outward signs of this change and get aha's possibly AFTER meditating and doing all of this work--all of that compassion and even the experiences themselves may lag behind the initial charging...thus we meditate even if we don't think or even feel like we're getting it.--a difficult idea, worth internal and external debate.

A later update: some good news, I sometimes have natural mindfulness whilst doing directed thinking, better than when I just allow my mind to do what it will--usually sing and wonder quietly to itself--so while I loose any sort of constancy in studying, I can have it in other aspects of rational directed thought.

P.S. I've been reading no boundary and I think the centaur chapter really talks well about these issues, heals the split, all are spontenous manifestations of the underlying One, and on top of that, I think some meditative traditions, like vipassana can egg on this view that spirit body can only be found when divorced from mind.

recommendation letter

In response to the question, "Would our faculty members want this student in their class?" my answer is a definite "Yes!" Michael is a unique individual who does not feel the need to follow the sheep mentality of his peers. He is incredibly creative and insightful. Michael is kind to his classmates and remains popular with many different "cliques." He does not try to fit in with any one group, but is the kind of young man who is respected by his peers and his teachers just because of his kindness and unique personality.

It is not unusual for Michael to ask for clarification on an assignment and to then help other students. I require a major American author-based critical analysis paper. Michael read the works of Hunter S Thompson and created a paper that I use this semester as a model. Like Thompson, Michael gets frustrated with his peers who seem to think the "American Dream" is all about how much money one makes, not caring who gets hurt in the process.

Michael is a caring and introspective young man who will absolutely thrive in the type of university environment offered by UNC. I look forward to seeing him after he graduates as I know he is destined for greatness by the sheer fact that he is his own person.

Sincerely,

Ninon Cheek

Some Quotes

Some favorite quotes:

0:

When I rest in simple, clear, ever-present awareness, every object is its own subject. Every event "sees itself," as it were, because I am now that event seeing itself. I am not looking at the rainbow; I am the rainbow, which sees itself. I am not staring at the tree; I am the tree, which sees itself. The entire manifest world continues to arise, just as it is, except that all subjects and all objects have disappeared. The mountain is still the mountain, but it is not an object being looked at, and I am not a separate subject staring at it. Both I and the mountain arise in simple, ever-present awareness, and we are both set free in that clearing, we are both liberated in that nondual space, we are both enlightened in the opening that is ever-present awareness. That opening is free of the set-apart violence called subject and object, in here versus out there, self against other, me against the world. I have utterly lost face, and discovered God, in simple ever-present awareness. --Eye of Spirit by Ken Wilber

1:

What is Perfect Joy by Saint Francis:

"A messenger arrives and says that all the Masters at Paris have entered the Order: this is not true joy. Again: that all the prelates beyond the mountains [the Alps], archbishops, bishops; and again, that the King of France and the King of England [have entered the Order]: this is not true joy. Again: that my Brothers have gone to the infidels and have converted them all to the faith. Again: tat I have such grace from God that I heal the sick and work many miracles: I tell you that in all these things there is not true joy!

But what is true joy?

I m returning from Preugia and in the depths of the night I come here [to the Porziucola], and it is wintertime, muddy, and so cold that icicles form on the bottom of my tunic and hit against my legs, and blood comes out of such wounds.

And thus besmirched by mud and cold and ice I come to the door and after I have knocked and called for some time, a brother comes and asks: Who's there? I answer: Brother Francis.

And then he says: Go away! this is not a decent hour to be going about: so you won't get in!

And if I would again insist, he might answer: Go away! You're no more than a simpleton and idiot, so don't come bac again! We are so numerous and such that we have no need of you!

And I stand again at the door and say: For the love of God take me in this night!

And he would respond: I will not! Go to the Crosiers' place and ask them!

I tell you, if I would put up with all this and not be upset, in this is true joy and real virtue and the salvation of one's soul!"

2:

"We can reject everything else: religion, ideology, all received wisdom. But we cannot escape the necessity of love and compassion.... This, then, is my true religion, my simple faith. In this sense, there is no need for temple or church, for mosque or synagogue, no need for complicated philosophy, doctrine or dogma. Our own heart, our own mind, is the temple.

The doctrine is compassion. Love for others and respect for their rights and dignity, no matter who or what they are: ultimately these are all we need. So long as we practice these in our daily lives, then no matter if we are learned or unlearned, whether we believe in Buddha or God, or follow some other religion or none at all, as long as we have compassion for others and conduct ourselves with restraint out of a sense of responsibility, there is no doubt we will be happy."

~ Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama ~

3)

"If" by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

4)

"The teachings on the six bardos point out the fundamental continuity of mind through all states of existence. From this perspective, what we call "life" and "death" are simply concepts--relative designations that are attributed to a continuous state of being, an indestructible awareness that is birthless and deathless. While impermanence--the constant ebb and flow of appearance and dissolution--characterizes all phenomena that we can see, hear, taste, touch, or mentally conceive, this pure, primordial mind endures all transitions and transcends all boundaries created by dualistic thought. Although we may cling to this life and fear its end, beyond death there is mind; and where there is mind, there is uninterrupted display: spacious, radiant, and continually manifesting.

However, whether this understanding remains merely a comforting idea or becomes a key to accessing deeper levels of knowledge and ultimate freedom depends on us."

~Dzogchen Ponlop

Mind Beyond Death

The non-seeking non-grasping mind is the spaciousness that is aware of this moment.

dream

Last night I dreamed that my father was dispensing all important fatherly wisdom at a party with lots of guys and for some reason a really big smoothie that wasn't enough for everyone which was made surprisingly quickly in my blender with some big jar or something attached.

Anyway, a guy who had been verbally aggressive/not nice towards me in the past (in real life)--practicing having the balls to tell someone to save the world or something. This kid was disrespecting or otherwise harming my father, and I aggressed (moved towards) this boy with a force, basically crushing him into the wall behind him, a Water Boy sort of move. He was passed out for a bit and my old father was able to recover.

Two big things about this dream were that A: my father notably was sharing wisdoms and rapidly, side note: smoothie might be some kind of symbol, and B: I was able in dream to realize my aggression towards this boy.

Repressed aggression is actually what I was reading about last night in No Boundary by Ken Wilber. And, I'd practiced noticing tightness, tightening that tightness and getting in the mind set, then allowing it to release on its own and didn't consciously see what was underneath but had some mental/emotional leanings which might have culminated in this dream.

It seems I am not to disown aggression but say yes to it. Surely I have to make proper use of it, but to know and recognize and own my aggression is quite fine.

Also something that reminds me of waterboy, looking over this, is that I took someone who, while the guy in question wasn't physically strong, I considered him much better at verbal battle, and thus it is protective for me to pretend I don't want to fight. Yet, in reality, I obviously want to kick his ass, but I need to see him as a child in order to express those feelings properly. In reality this would hopefully simply allow the original aggressor (him) some insight into his aggression, that is, I need to be able to properly bounce the experience of his aggression back towards him so he can feel the energy he is releasing and come to terms with it--at the point of contact, my anticipation of failure reduced my ability to even side-step getting into a verbal tussle and let the aggressor know that he had been hurtful. Despite this owning of aggression, I think the best response to the actual experience would be to have told him that winning me over with love would be more effective than coercion. Instead I was silent, a 60% effective response, but not a 99 or 100% effective response.

purpose

My problem with the words, "highest purpose" and I do mean 'my problem',

is just that, in the context of living to one's highest purpose and

asking many times throughout the day "is this in line with my highest

purpose" can be misleading. It can be overly masculine.

*long break to go to men's meeting: coming back with tiredness and a new

attitiude, but a desire to finish the subject at hand*

The need is a "purpose" that incorporates both feminine and masculine

aspects, which is to say, the masculine aspect which is direction and

accountability and drive and focus and solid continuity, persistently

directed energies needs to be aligned with the feminine aspects of seeing

truth in Natural cycles and intuiting the truth/direction of this very

moment, knowing the ways of spirit in a way that recognizes the patterns

of spirit, seeing life as not on an xy chart trying to go forever upward

but possibly finding greater heights of understanding and love by

forgetting those goals all together, forgetting the goals and focusing on

one's alignment and responses this very moment to the Dao...opening up

Dao to be scolding, criticising, misunderstanding, indulging rather than

just all of the hard things. Spirit is not just about learning to do

harder and harder things and that's the feminine aspect, softer and

softer

Which reminds me of another side, it seems I have this BIG life view

about learning, focused around learning, epicentered, if you will, on

learning, and just saying, okay well maybe that's their level, that's

what they need/want to work on and this is my level and the thing is,

when people correct others all they are really saying is, no no no, I've

figured out the next layer, forgetting the possibility that someone needs

the layer they are at, though it is obviously important to say, "here is

the next layer" when someone needs it, we need to let go to the idea that

next layer is the answer, which macro to micro is giving up spiritual

path it self, giving up trying to push, when necessary, and reflecsively

holding on to pushing with all of your might when necessary. And coming

back to the thme, my purpose isn't just finding something and holding on

to it with all my might, my purpose is Dao, and sometimes Dao might just

want me to learn to let go of that purpose and face that loss both

internally and out and thus at times I surrender to Dao and then later

question it, I later say, it was likely shadow laziness, but I'm coming

up on something, a synthesis of views, transcend and include, TWO SETS

1. learning to not be late/learning to accept your nature

-->both have many things to offer and in some ways exemplify/stand for

the camps of self-improvement/self-acceptance, my own struggle of

overcoming/embracing video game time, and simultaneously

overcoming/embracing "low" self cultivating time (is it low?)

2. written as an already answered question: purpose being set in time is

not true purpose...being able to say I've accepted when i've accepted,

why at the end of one's physical body's capability does one have the

tendency to go, "oops?", there is a truth to the oops now and so with

purpose that is to be known and followed for the old Michael this meant

shadowing the oops, there is no bad in me, ah and this is something I

wanted to write about, knowing my "bad".

I, when in a modest modicum of pain, lose most sense of "spirit" I've got

a vague underlying thing about not really being the one in the pain but

it really isn't something I give a shit about when the anxiety flows

through my spirit, part of me is also not comfortable with the part

trying to be comfortabe with whoever it is comin through, part of me is

afraid that those other parts will do harm to my life and doesn't want

them anywhere close to the driver's seat

this school puts me through therapy, that is another dichotomy, I must

deal with seeing illness as blessing and curse, one at one point, one at

another... this stuff is great HOWEVER, I'm tired, glorious, goodnight

one taste note

idiot compassion is giving alcohol to an alcoholic but there are harder examples, like being nice to one's ego rather than letting them know that the idea that they are gaia is not ultimately going to lead to happiness and even though it pisses them off they'll be happier in the long run shedding that view. Important however to check that you're only going 5% up on the truth scale and only putting as much on the spoon as can be handled and check your ego with regard to ideas, even the closest ones to truth